Just so you know ahead of time, I’m not referring to the naughty substance.
I’m referring to the naughty identity. I am a gender-bending small fat person.
All my life, I have loved being a girl but always felt incomplete. Inside of me is not just a girl, but a boy. I longed to be tall, big, strong, and to live my life as a man at various points in my life. When I was little and my friends and I were playing house, I gladly played the father. As a teenager, I started singing and discovered that I have a contralto voice. I am capable of singing male parts as low as the top range of Bass I and as high as the bottom range of Soprano I. My sister used to love to tell me I was built like a lumberjack. When I began to grow breasts, it caused me depression and anxiety and I used to stand in front of the mirror and claw at them. At night, I would wear the smallest bras as tight as I could in the hope that they would stop growing.
Finally, at 14, I began gender-bending and I discovered that I can make myself look and act very much like a man such that people actually mistake me for one on the street or do not recognize me if they know me. I was raised in a small conservative town, so I wasn’t in good company and even people who ordinarily are in favor of gay and lesbian inclusion or people expressing themselves in general did not like me as a man.* To say the least, my parents absolutely hated it.
Did I mention that my parents hated that their daughter was androgynous? And that people, oh my good golly gosh, KNEW about it?
They thought I was depressed and that there was something wrong with me or how they raised me. They would talk about me in hushed tones when they thought I couldn’t hear. You know, that wicked aggravating hushed tone that parents adopt when they don’t have a clue what to do or even what they’re talking about, but they know they need to do something and “be strong.”
It got worse as I got taller, more muscular, and yes, fatter. Every shoe size up was another step away from the feminine ideal I had been taught to aspire to. I grew so fast one year that I developed a scoliotic deformity and a limp, and my mother was so ashamed that she did not want to take me to the doctor and simply told me to stand up straight. Aside from being unattractive in itself and being mildly crippling, it shifts your proportions and can make you appear fatter than you are.
To make a long story short, I am now a proud gender-bender. I live most of my life as a casually dressed woman, but I can also be androgynous, feminine, sporty feminine, hyperfeminine, and formally and sporty masculine. These are all categories I made up to describe the different gender presentations I can adopt. My father now proudly takes me shopping for men’s clothes and my mother is grudgingly accepting my tomboy side (sporty masculine.)
The best news of all is that when my size and shape once caused me grief, it is now a magnificent addition to my gender-bending lifestyle. I cannot speak for gender-benders who are larger or smaller than me, but being my size, a small fat person, I have found my body endlessly adaptable.
Some of the assets of my size are:
- Larger curves to work with when applicable when wearing corsets, form-fitting clothes, and lingerie
- The ability to alter size perception downward, i.e. by wearing black or pinstripes for a leaner look or binding to minimize breast size
- Height and muscularity for masculine roles (I am very muscular)
- Height can be useful in supermodel-type roles
- Having large feet makes me look good in men’s dress shoes, feminine dress boots, and chunky heels
- Scoliosis and altered body proportions make it super easy to imitate male gait and assume a “tough” posture
- Because my hair is long, I can wear it feminine (long) or masculine (short or tucked under a wig).
*I would think that people who support gays, lesbians, and transgender people would accept androgynous people and crossdressers, but I guess some people are NIMBY types. They are all for it if they don’t know you personally.