On Men: Explain Something to Me


I admit to being very afraid of strange men in private or semi-private places. I think most women feel the same, for good reason. However, I have never hated men or had a problem with men as frienda, co-workers, or non-sexual partners. Maybe even a casual romantic date here and there if he is reasonably attractive and we have things in common. But I have never actually wanted to have sex with a man and I have said as much, to many people, male and female, over and over and over and over. 

But it doesn’t penetrate (no pun intended). I rarely spend time alone with men, nor do I generally have close friends with men. All my life, for no particular reason, I have never really crossed paths with men of my own volition, only in paasing because they’re family or I go to school/work with them. I can count on one hand the number of men I have had significant involvement with. 

Yet with these few men… it is almost always the same…we talk, hit it off, exchange numbers, and then it begins. He immediately wants to see me alone…spend weekends with me, call or text me daily, sometimes several times a day, sometimes several times in a row, several times a day. They want to know personal details. They want to know everything I’m doing. The bolder and/or more desperate men will immediately start telling me what sexual favors they’re hoping to get out of me.

It used to be I assumed they didn’t know better and I would try to let them down easy or drop hints. That didn’t work. I started being more explicit upfront. That still didn’t work.

Men simply don’t appreciate boundaries.

But I’m not allowed to say that because women who are partnered with men feel the need to talk about hiw great their man is (and I care because…?) And how unfair it is to stereotype. NAMALT, you know.

Well…I hate to inform you…men are like that. Not all, obviously,but many, probably most men are like that to some degree. Men as a group do not appreciate boundaries and either don’t understand or care about women’s privacy or safety. 

After all, if men are all different…why has every man I have ever been alone with behaved liked that? If all men are different…don’t you think at least one of the five I have been alone in private with would not be a total creep ot desperate loser?

Yeah. As far as I’m concerned, all men are like that until they prove otherwise. And it’s just as well, because I’m not interested in men anyway. 

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11 comments

  1. Saye Bennett · November 3

    I’m not a male expert (well…obviously…LOL!), so I’ll leave it to the straight women to elaborate. 🙂

    But just from what I have noticed (because I have many straight female friends; plus men often seem to be inexplicably turned on when they hear the word “lesbian”) is that men seem to like a “challenge” and society/movies/sitcoms/etc. only reinforces their persistence. How many romantic comedies are there where the male aggressively pursues, despite all obstacles, and “wins” in the end?

    • joannadeadwinter · November 3

      I’m not a man expert either, obviously. My entire body of knowledge on men is at least 95% book knowledge…statistics, cultural influences in pop culture, etc. My personal experience with men outside my father is very limited, but those men taught me everything I needed to know about men’s dark side. Then there are the casual strangers that most women meet on a semi-regular basis, which only gives me a worse impression of men. I have never dated a woman either, but I had a woman pursue me pretty aggressively and I had to tell her no…pretty forcefully. Maybe I’m a freak, but I don’t feel any need or desire to date or have sex with anyone. I am a complete person in myself and have no problem being alone…but that seems to be both enticing and threatening to people at the same time. I almost feel bad for these men…do they understand how pathetic they sound?

      • Saye Bennett · November 3

        I do think that people don’t understand people who are autonomous and independent; society is so focused on coupling/socializing that people like us who are okay being alone confuse people!

        (Both Dirt and I are like you too; so we are perfect together because we understand each other like other partners have not).

        Society in general is geared toward extroverts and the idea that we “must” have active social lives/relationships is crammed down our throats constantly.

        Relatedly, I feel that anybody (male or female) who aggressively pursues a reluctant person needs to back the heck off and learn to respect some boundaries.

  2. k.jane · November 3

    I really think that men just get off on the boundary violations and that’s it. I doesn’t matter to me that “not all men are like that” because most of them are. I don’t really care about how great your special snowflake unicorn man is either.

    They say women are needy but look at how men act if you reject them

    • joannadeadwinter · November 3

      Exactly. I invited a friend to join a female only cosplay group and she simpered…why female only? My husband is the most Feminist man ever! I guess it’s not enough to have straight married privilege from society, every private female citizen has to accommodate your marriage too?

      • k.jane · January 17

        Sorry, that sucks. I so hate it when women like to rag on about their exceptional man and why can’t he come to the female only thing. By the way, a female-only cosplay group sounds really awesome and fun! I like to go to conventions in the area when I get a chance.

        I have known women and men who get all bent out of shape when men can’t attend the rare female-only thing. It’s so weird, because even mainstream romantic comedies (99% about heterosexuality) still show the concept of a “ladies night” as well as the dudes hanging out together.

    • Dmh · November 8

      +1
      Because of men’s pressure, women are supposed to need to have at least one male around to do anything socially. This is brainwashing and a form of oppression, bc men *do not* need to have women around to do their social things.
      We need to be our own judges and supporters, and set our own standards, independently of what men think or not.

  3. grumpyoldnurse · November 5

    Schrödinger’s rapist. And, I do hate men, as a class. Most of them do get off on ‘pursuing’ and that usually means, to them, anyway, initiating sexual interest/activity, and pushing the ‘prey’s’ boundaries. They like to believe that they are irresistible when they act ‘forceful’ and ‘manly’ (both of which translate into acting like spoilt playground bullies), and most of them view the women in their lives as props to their own egos, with little regard to our integrity as individuals.

    So, no, I don’t blame you for avoiding them. It also takes me a good, long while to let a man past my guard.

  4. Dmh · November 8

    ” Men simply don’t appreciate boundaries…
    Well…I hate to inform you…men are like that. Not all, obviously,but many, probably most men are like that to some degree. Men as a group do not appreciate boundaries and either don’t understand or care about women’s privacy or safety… “

    Men as a group only accept “boundaries” that they set for themselves and others.
    Isn’t this the very root of idea of patriarchal society?
    We see this pattern everywhere.

    • joannadeadwinter · November 8

      Like I said, my experience with men is limited, but I learned pretty quickly after getting experience with men that…maybe the less contact, the better. I am very aware of patriarchy’s influence on society, but I hoped, initially, that the men I met were worthwhile and…nope, I’m good.

      • Dmh · November 8

        Me too, I’d like to see this situation to change a.s.a.p!
        I believe some change is already happening, but if feminism is supposed to achieve its goal it must very radical indeed.

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